What it is like being a single parent to me.

Me and a friend were talking, about being parents... single ones and just how hard it is,  Not because we are complaining because we love our children.

    When I got pregnant with my daughter I did not think that in 5 years I would be a single mother,  I was in the joys of having a baby with someone I loved.  I spent years taking care of my home, cooking meals and playing homemaker.  When me and the father separated,  life completely changed.

   It was a huge adjustment being the main caretaker.... of this tiny person, who is dependent on me being there to provide love and support, when i was barely holding myself together.  I was working full time... and barely getting by.

    My depression makes me want to hide away from everything at times including her, which I cant because being a single parent doesn't let you, and I think about how that would affect her later on in life.  How many times I have and to hold back tears because i am beyond stressed out and I cant let it out, because to her I am strong.  There has been talks about being put on medication to make things easier,  for those who choose to take them that is their choice,  I chose not to because I want to be present in my own life for my child and not be reliant on a drug to find comfort.

  The hardest times is when she is sick,  most of the time it is long nights and missed days of work, the constant worry you could be fired over something you cant control or how you are going to pay your bills,  or how much medication is going to cost and do you have it and is it really going to help them feel better because that is what you want for them.  Then when you catch what they have and you are exhausted and still get up every day to go to work because you know that rent is coming up and you cant afford to have it be late again.

  As most parents I want what is best for my child, and to be able to buy her toys and clothes and trips to the zoo, a lot of times I give up being able to buy myself something so that she can have good memories of fun things we did.  I make sure she has good healthy meals, while I'm skipping meals so I could buy those healthy foods because the food I do have has to last till the next pay cheque or possibly beyond. I do buy myself stuff even if it just a coffee, so that single mother you see out might have been saving not all single mothers are on government assistance as people would assume.

  Is it lonely being a single parent, some days very much so,  you would love to be able to have someone hug you and tell you what a wonderful person you are, when you have a bad day at work and your house is a mess and the kid is crying and throwing a tantrum and wont go to bed because of 1000 reasons.  You just want to have a conversation that doesn't involve "why?" every 30 seconds,  yes we have friends we could turn to but it is not the same as when you have another half.

  Not everything is bad being a single parent you get to have moments with your child of complete trust and understanding.  My daughter knows when mom is tired and she will run her hand across my cheek and tell me " I think you should go to sleep mommy"  or the secrets she shares with me,  The pretend pancakes she makes me because I might be hungry.  Those are the moments I cherish.  So the hard days are worth it.

Liquid courage

don't speak, no one is listening to the crying of your mind...
no one want to hug your dark soul...

so pour another helping hand .... the liquor friend that calms the storm within...
swallowing them down ... just to order another round.

dance to the reminisce of the freedom that remains.. closing your tied, tear stained eyes..
taking a sip you feel the friend take control..

You forget what it is like to be left behind........as you sway the problems just fade away ..
you get the liquid courage to be who you are..
they say the truth is spoken when you trust our mind to the liquid god..

How many could be saved if someone took a moment to listen and not play it off as someone who is drunk.

Secret Angel

Ripping apart the inside...
trying to find what it is you want ...

How come I am not good enough...
what is wrong with me ...
I listen to the words you weep
when your tripping over your own feet..

The one who holds your head on my chest
when you need to listen to heartbeat so you can know what it feels like..
to feel someone loves you..

The one who has been there even after everything..
the one that continues to be there.. even through the pain..

I wish there was a switch I could just turn off and shut the door to the feeling of you..
your perfect for me, I feel it in my soul...
I must keep that to me...
never holding on for more

Maybe I'm just the secret angel you needed in times of need...
maybe that's all I will ever be.
The one that makes you smile, while she makes you bleed
the one to hold your hand and help you breathe..

Why cant you see, there is more to me...
my heart is but small but bigger then the sun
I could be the one...

to make you feel life, the happiness that you seek
has been here, here the whole time.

You dont know

I wish you loved me
I have hoped that you could see past the hard things
and given me a chance.

You would have seen in my eyes just how much I have wanted you
to be my constant in my life.

You dont though, and so I have to sit and keep it inside.
Hoping one day you will just see me and what I should have been.

I know that Im worth all the trouble the happiness and the tears.
I have been waiting here for years.

Watching you come and go ...

I wish I was worth it to you
cause deep down I love you.

Wondering

You get so far, only to fall back 

wondering why you said goodbye..

you thought for sure this time, this time it was love.

You picked your cards and played the hand. 

You lost, turning around and walking away.

and now your wondering

was it all worth it, chancing it on someone new 

to have it all fall apart in front of you. 

Now your wondering...

is it me they think about late at night when they are all alone 

or reminisce of things that we once did.

do they think about calling..wondering about how you have been..

Its the chance you take when you walk away, you are left wondering..

Hello

Hello?  Are you there, it's me ...
You know ... Don't pretend you don't....
Try a bit harder to remember....
Really? ..... I see well let me remind you

Well we were always close all our lives, did everything together
Had the same friends, liked the same music.... I even lived with you.
But you changed ... Started to ignore me,  really we just fell apart..
I hated that so much... Watching you from a distance starving yourself because you thought you were to big to be loved, or partying trying to connect with people who you thought we're great influences and could make you feel better,  I saw what happened to you as a innocent child ...I felt your pain.

The lonely nights you spent drinking by yourself in hopes to forget the crazy thoughts running through your mind, when you finally pass out it was such a relief cause you were safe for one more night.

Yep, I saw all that....
Your probably wondering why I wasn't there for you...
I can explain,  I didn't know you anymore, you had become this empty shell of what you once were, the hallow ness in your eyes showed a deep void... Like everything was gone that made your soul spark.

It was hard for me to see you that way but you had to hit rock bottom on your own, so you could truly understand yourself.

Watching you hit rock bottom...... Just about killed me.... I saw the note of good bye you wrote, tears had dropped on the paper causing the words to run.... I also saw the pill bottles....it was such a shame that you felt so low that you just wanted to go to sleep and die...

I saw you at the hospital.... Waiting ... And waiting.... For a loving hand to care for you... It came from someone unexpected ... Your own mother...  Forcing you to eat cause you hadn't eaten in days..  Holding you while you cried in her lap....yeah ...

So hard to see you suffer ... But I had to do it.

I'm sorry but I'm here now, stronger and ready to hold your hand through anything .... For I am you, that part you lost I have been inside you all this time. Waiting for you to realize that I'm here, to help you, like the wizard of oz, I give you a brain to think with, a heart to love with and the courage to face the challenges of your life.

Hello are you still there?

Yes.

Red Head

Red headed, firecracker with a sparkle in her eye
Life is a ride, grab on and hold on tight.
Smiling she closes her eyes, gripping tighter through the curves and all the ups and downs.
Peeking just enough not to miss a moment.

Screaming as she free falls.....
Taking a deep breath, she laughs at the all fear she felt.
the love she has felt.  the sensitivity from people...

Sighing....she looks back seeing where she has been...
looking at her hands she lets go.

Letting go of  being who she is not.. because she believed she could never do it. Holding on to the feelings people and life had made her Leary and confused about how it could be.  So she held on to what she knew
the shy, introvert... worried about how to please people..

She is unique and weird, a bit of a tom boy... who loves video games...
Singing at the top her lungs in her car to her favorite songs.
Dancing till her feet hurt and still going strong till the last song is played.

The one who would give her last dollar to someone on the street...
The poet, the artist... the sister and mother, lover and the best friend.

She loves to breathe the fresh air, and find the old abandoned homes...
crawl among st the forest, dip her toes in a cold lakes water.

Read headed firecracker, be who you are... the world has been waiting for you.