Oh sweet love... such a burden you are, you heard me a burden like a itch I cannot scratch
Why must you rear your head and grab my attention when I don't want it.
That's right I know what love is I don't need a bitter reminder
you know the couples kissing... the holding of hands the smiles and laughs.... what a funny joke you must think your playing.
Let me tell you something love you can take your joke and shove it right up cupids ass, why you ask because love is not just the good stuff its all the bad stuff, the arguments, the silence after a fight, the throwing of things but for some reason people only think love is kissing and projecting to the world over social media that your in love, please you think a million people over the internet care that your in love .... honestly half wish they were you and the other half could give less of a damn.. that's the honest truth.
Am I bitter about love.. nope I am a realest about it .... the breakfasts in bed the roses on special occasions rarely happen unless your one of the lucky one to snag a Disney character like man. the love you see in movies you wish you had,that is but a scripted idea about what love should be a mere insight to how someone wishes they could be..... projected on screen with two people who really are not in love... explain to me how that is taken on how people should think love is.
I have been in love, hard to believe i know... I experienced the fast heart beat the sweaty palms, the rush of emotion. felt like I had just run an emotional marathon, for what to feel self concise about how i looked in bed... was i to fat... do i smell ... am i doing this right?... will this person still love me in the morning.. the insecurity if i was the "one" .... since that is what you hear "you are the one for me" what exactly does that mean... the one to what cook your breakfast? do your laundry? save your soul..
listen i cant even save myself let alone you, i mean look at me all insecure in how i look when it shouldn't matter cause you are here with me, oh but it does cause love is mostly on how someone looks and not about what the person has to offer on the inside.....but only in what they can offer you....
A therapist mostly.... from all the broken hearts and anger one has on the inside from love...hoping you can fix whats broken... a person cant fix that for you. we are like babies when it comes to love suckling a the tit for nurturing... hoping someone loves us like our mothers do accept us fully as we are....
Love... love ...love tis a cruel joke you play, but this person right here will no longer fall for it no.... not this one.
Sunday, 21 July 2013
Tuesday, 9 July 2013
Meaning of the arts to me.
Music and poetry and photography have always been a saving grace for me, a way to express emotion without havering to actually say things to someone. This way I can't fumble and stumble and stutter my way through things, but my actual feelings are coming out. It has been awhile since I wrote poetry mostly because for awhile I have been scared of what may come out could be happy, sad,hurtful.... I have had people take offence to what I write, I don't do it it offend of hurt anyone it is a source of healing, happiness, and venting for me. Instead I do this blog, it may not be the fanciest blog or about the latest gossip or clothing, but it's mine and these words are my thoughts.
Photography really has taken centre stage, when it comes to expressing, there is so much you can do...everything from the colours which could represent a mood or feeling to birds flying in the sky to represent freedom not from someone but ones self, I always try to capture people's faces why because the face says a lot along with the environment it is around, a lot of my photography recently has been lighter and softer because I am feeling a sense of accomplishment in the fact I'm fighting for my own right to be happy. I love grunge and darkness as well because that to me is beautiful even when I am sad or feel like I am alone.
Music for a long time has really helped me understand my own emotions and feelings, you might think this is crazy and sounds silly but it really has, Take my favourite song Iris by the goo goo dolls, I will give you a rundown on what it has said to me.
And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't wanna go home right now
( I feel that this is talking about a love that has passed either a relationship that has ended or someone has passed away, both of which have happened to me and the reason you don't want to go home is because you don't want to be alone)
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
When sooner or later it's over
I just don't wanna miss you tonight
( this is to me talks about a special moment that you will probably never experience again, whether it be a first kiss, or the last time you hold someone's hand)
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
( this says I don't fit in, I wish people could see past my flaws and really understand me for who I am as a person, what I feel and how I experience things)
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive
( this is that moment when you realize that you have been sad for such a long time, that you forget what it feels like to truly feels like to be happy, feel emotions. )
This song has really put what I feel down on paper and into a beautiful masterpiece of love, sadness, frustration and misunderstanding, a lot of what I feel. I have been blessed and thankful for the wonderful gifts we call the arts, without them I would be a lost person with no way of expressing my self in this crazy world like so many others.
Thursday, 4 July 2013
Define Being Real
A lot of people, myself included say that we are being real.... But what does that mean? one persons definition of being real is usually different then another's. So then is anyone ever truly being real? . The dictionary says that real is this:
1.
a. Being or occurring in fact or actuality; having verifiable existence: real objects; a real illness.
b. True and actual; not imaginary, alleged, or ideal: real people, not ghosts; a film based on real life.
c. Of or founded on practical matters and concerns: a recent graduate experiencing the real world for the first time.
2. Genuine and authentic; not artificial or spurious: real mink; real humility.
3. Being no less than what is stated; worthy of the name: a real friend.
4. Free of pretense, falsehood, or affectation: tourists hoping for a real experience on the guided tour.
5. Not to be taken lightly; serious: in real trouble.
6. Philosophy Existing objectively in the world regardless of subjectivity or conventions of thought or language.
Now that being said, when you read it I personally can say I know people who claim all this but act differently, take true and actual not imaginary.... People claim they have done this, this and this but half the time they embellish the account of what happened, or being "no less then stated", we all try to make ourselves sound better then what we are, society has made us believe it is not ok to be imperfect, despite all the things that say otherwise. We don't want people to judge us on the "real" us but we never show the true selves from the start.
Free of pretence, falsehood, or affectation, now who can sit here and claim this one with a true honest yes, every choice we make whether it is choosing a mate, or what we say to people in a discussion has pretence, or falsehood, again you want to look like the better person so I wouldn't start with "hi, I'm a loner, introverted and I dislike confrontation" when meeting someone for the first time. Nope I would be much different why because we are told first impressions are everything . So we make the conscious choice to falsify who we really are to impress people.
I think everyone has a real ness about them as the dictionary states realness is this:
Realness(noun)
the quality or condition of being real; reality
in actuality we all have the quality to be "real" but it is just a condition and in actual fact we the one who claim to be real are not we are just lying to ourselves. We do have realness about us in which other people can see, we will always be guarded about who we are to avoid the consequences of being imperfect.
"realness." Definitions.net. STANDS4 LLC, 2013. Web. 4 Jul 2013. <http://www.definitions.net/definition/realness>.
Monday, 1 July 2013
Special friends forever.
Special friends are hard to come by in life, I'm talking the ones that make you feel like you are something important in the world. I had a couple, they have passed on but live in my heart always.
Let me share a little bit about them, first these people are special in the way most people wouldn't care to deal with, they were special needs adults.
Melanie...
She was a firecracker, very opinionated and loud but a gentle soul on the inside. When I first met Melanie at the center all she did was rip paper out of phone books, for several hours day. She was quiet unless provoked and seemed to not enjoy her days.
When I got Melanie into my group I debated whether or not I could handle her or even if she would like me. Over 4 years me and Melanie became friends, yes friends she would tell me in her honest opinion in what she thought about what I was wearing, would hug me if I was sad, make jokes to make me laugh. I got her to stop ripping phone books and into helping me with tasks that she was never expected to be able to do, Melanie was born with water on the brain.... And sadly passed away due to complications with a surgery to clear a blocked shunt. I remember at her her funeral her mother came up to me out of everyone and said "thank you for giving my daughter the chance to feel like she belonged and she was normal" in reality her daughter gave me the patience I have towards people who sometimes don't think before they speak, or to the person who is a bit slower in front of me, Melanie always treated me with respect and compassion as I did her, I think of her often and hope she knows she will always be a friend of mine, the sweet angel.
Mark.....
He was the the person I was hired to work with one -on-one. It was something I never had done I dove in head first, mark was a charmer, could pretty much get you to do anything with his eyes, they were big and brown, you could really look in them and see into his soul, He couldn't move on his own or speak, but me and him clicked on a level most people could never understand, Like Melanie when i first met mark his former workers never did anything to make him feel like he belonged they stayed at the center all the time inside....imagine spending all your time indoors, when your going to a place that is supposed to provide you with what we all call "normal lives." Well I tell you that boy when he got out into the world, you knew it meant a lot to him, to just lay on the grass on a summers day not in his wheelchair, or to do hand or hand painting... the smile on his face told me this is what he wanted in his life. Mark became like a best friend even though he could never verbally tell me anything I knew just by the looks on his face whether it was concern, happiness or sadness, how his face would light up when i would come visit him in the hospital and spend hours just chilling changing the tv channel for him, you know your are special to someone when you are the only one that can get them to come out of an anxiety attack. I knew Mark wouldn't live forever, and when he passed I just knew, no one had to tell me. He left me with a great joy of knowing him, giving me the courage to understand him and not judge those different from me because we are all struggling with our own problems, accepting everyone for who they were. That no matter how bad life seems, there is always someone there to listen. I miss him terribly but I know he is watching from above there is no way someone that good could stay on earth forever.
Melanie and Mark, thank you so much for being brought into my life, the gifts you gave me will stay with me forever and will be passed on to my little one, These friends with all their difficulties accepted me into their lives a life where people come and go when things get to tough and they are not taken seriously because of their disabilities. I took them seriously why because they are people just like me with feelings, and emotions just as complicated as the rest of us, I am so glad I did.
Let me share a little bit about them, first these people are special in the way most people wouldn't care to deal with, they were special needs adults.
Melanie...
She was a firecracker, very opinionated and loud but a gentle soul on the inside. When I first met Melanie at the center all she did was rip paper out of phone books, for several hours day. She was quiet unless provoked and seemed to not enjoy her days.
When I got Melanie into my group I debated whether or not I could handle her or even if she would like me. Over 4 years me and Melanie became friends, yes friends she would tell me in her honest opinion in what she thought about what I was wearing, would hug me if I was sad, make jokes to make me laugh. I got her to stop ripping phone books and into helping me with tasks that she was never expected to be able to do, Melanie was born with water on the brain.... And sadly passed away due to complications with a surgery to clear a blocked shunt. I remember at her her funeral her mother came up to me out of everyone and said "thank you for giving my daughter the chance to feel like she belonged and she was normal" in reality her daughter gave me the patience I have towards people who sometimes don't think before they speak, or to the person who is a bit slower in front of me, Melanie always treated me with respect and compassion as I did her, I think of her often and hope she knows she will always be a friend of mine, the sweet angel.
Mark.....
He was the the person I was hired to work with one -on-one. It was something I never had done I dove in head first, mark was a charmer, could pretty much get you to do anything with his eyes, they were big and brown, you could really look in them and see into his soul, He couldn't move on his own or speak, but me and him clicked on a level most people could never understand, Like Melanie when i first met mark his former workers never did anything to make him feel like he belonged they stayed at the center all the time inside....imagine spending all your time indoors, when your going to a place that is supposed to provide you with what we all call "normal lives." Well I tell you that boy when he got out into the world, you knew it meant a lot to him, to just lay on the grass on a summers day not in his wheelchair, or to do hand or hand painting... the smile on his face told me this is what he wanted in his life. Mark became like a best friend even though he could never verbally tell me anything I knew just by the looks on his face whether it was concern, happiness or sadness, how his face would light up when i would come visit him in the hospital and spend hours just chilling changing the tv channel for him, you know your are special to someone when you are the only one that can get them to come out of an anxiety attack. I knew Mark wouldn't live forever, and when he passed I just knew, no one had to tell me. He left me with a great joy of knowing him, giving me the courage to understand him and not judge those different from me because we are all struggling with our own problems, accepting everyone for who they were. That no matter how bad life seems, there is always someone there to listen. I miss him terribly but I know he is watching from above there is no way someone that good could stay on earth forever.
Melanie and Mark, thank you so much for being brought into my life, the gifts you gave me will stay with me forever and will be passed on to my little one, These friends with all their difficulties accepted me into their lives a life where people come and go when things get to tough and they are not taken seriously because of their disabilities. I took them seriously why because they are people just like me with feelings, and emotions just as complicated as the rest of us, I am so glad I did.
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