Self

Today I woke up with a sense of who I am psychically, mentally and emotionally.  This doesn't mean I know who I am fully, but that I am now becoming aware of it.

It took many years and a lot of self exploration to begin to even scratch the surface of myself,  starting with the physical, growing up people have a tendency to let you know just how either good looking you are or how ugly they think you are,  it hasn't been till my mid to late 20's that people really took notice of my appearance in a positive way.  My own fault I was never comfortable in my own body, always a distorted image of what I looked liked, I became the Tom boy baggy shirts, baseball caps and all that,  never had a lot of friends that were girls and the ones I did have dressed like me.  After I had my daughter at 26 and really started to look at my appearance I started to realized that I had aspects about myself that I absolutely loved,  one being my eyes next my hair and from there I had Learned I that tattoos really helped me to accept my body for the wonderful canvas it is.  I also did weight watchers and went to a gym which also helped with my self esteem. I am become aware of just how I may not be a model but I am beautiful to my daughter and others in my life, I'm unique with my scars and my red hair, my mommy tummy everything that isn't perfect, it is ok  and people don't have to think I am stunning or whatever they have to just love me for me imperfections and all.

Mentally I have always been a scatter brain, trying to do to much at once, deal with life and all it's problems all at once,  at 24 I had a mental and emotional breakdown wasn't pretty, and that is when I began to focus on my own personal issues.  Or at least tried to but life had a funny way of  making me force myself to slow Down.  Mentally I think a lot of my illnesses that I experienced were due to mental exhaustion,  as the years have gone on I have noticed when I'm exhausted mentally and emotionally I get sick, could this be connected  as a way of my body telling me you need to stop and breathe. The more I have laughed and smiled about things I can't control the easier it has been to really keep mentally things under control, sure we are have bad days,  instead of freaking out and doing something I may regret later, I have learned to just stop and go, in by doing this are things going to get better or worse.  Forgiving myself mentally for not getting 50 tasks done in a day but just enjoying the moments that bring peace to the mind.

Emotionally is the big one for me in regards to finding out who I am,  the last 3 years have been a realization of my past effecting my future,  ie sexual abuse and pshyical abuse resulting in many dysfunctional relationships,  not being able to fully trust or love someone without the feeling of totally trusting myself in that relationship, up until I had my daughter I never really dove in to why I am the way I am until I realized I don't want her to do the same things as me.  Learning to live life past, present and future instead if just coping with it, why I just shut off emotionally when someone gets to close,  why I never had a voice or defended myself against people who chose out of their own free will to hurt me .  Why I sometimes find the need to hurt someone as bad as they hurt me.  All these things I wanted to change, because deep inside I am not the things people made me feel nor am I the way I make people feel sometimes.  I am a gentle person on the inside despite my outward actions and appearance,  I am forgiving, kind.
  We do things when we feel threatened or unsure, in my case it happens and I am only beginning to really understand the sacrifices I have made in my life being afraid, and emotionally held back,  not only to myself but to others.  Do I want this for myself not anymore and I certainly do not want it for my child or other people in my life,  I really in the 2 years come a long way emotionally but everyday is still a battle, will I reach emotional bliss one day,  hopefully am I rushing towards it nope as it is a journey of self worth, and self discovery.

    You can't ever go back and change what has happens but you can learn to adapt to new ideas and concepts and apply thence now for the future.

Are you ever too old to achieve a dream career

So, I am sitting here in class,  don't worry I am all finished my work. :),  and it occurred  to me that in   3 months I will be 30 and I am only now really focusing on dreams in my life.  "Is 30 to old to be trying to get a career ?"  I don't believe so,  I think some of us just do everything backwards from the norm.  

    Growing up you learn, school then career then family and like most people that is not how it goes unless you have planned your life that way and if you have bravo on archiving that for yourself.  "Is it a lot tougher to achieve a dream like this when if your like me have been out of school for 12 years ?. "

       Most defiantly it is you have bills, partners, possibly children, and a job that's keeping you afloat.   You rack in your head if this is the best choice and could you actually see yourself slowing down in life pace and actually accomplishing this dream you probably have had since you were in your teens. It is possible with the right support and understanding of yourself and if you truly believe you can give yourself the chance at your dream career I say go for it no matter you age,  as I look around today I see young and old all trying to just make a better life for themselves,  why because they decided they were worth it.
     My suggestion this STOP and think while you are working today..... Can I see myself doing this job for the next 5 years,  heck even the next year.... If not chances are either a) your not happy with your employer or b) you just hate your job in general.  That's what happened to me a light bulb went off and it was like nope I can't do this anymore nor do I want to, the wheels were set in motion and here I am today a proud college student giving myself a chance .

Give yourself a chance no matter your age to achieve a dream.

Wondering.

You know today I sit here and wonder.... When does it all stop in life... The fighting to be who you are, the right to just be allowed to make a mistake without having to pay for it your whole life,  even if you stood up and said yes I was wrong, you continue to pay for someone else's feelings, thoughts and ideas about you.
       When do we say I'm sorry, but now you are the one who is in the wrong, the one who is causing the problem now.  I for the most part keep my private problems quiet and to only talk to those who have proven they can be trusted.  Others take and put all they private matters out there casting blame and hatred about those who have betrayed them, or snarky comments.  Do people do that thinking it will make things better for them? It doesn't sure you get your anger or displeasure out, but what your actually doing is causing anger and displeasure in someone else , thus projecting the problem even further then it needs to be.  I can sit here and call out people and the things they have said about their supposed best friends or their family but I won't why because I have a heart, and moral compass to know that is wrong,  nor would I put my problems emotionally that I have and I'm not just talking about stuff that has been shown to me and caused hurt.  Why because really I wanna be sunshine in someone's day,  make someone feel better when they are down.  Not be angry because life has thrown me punches and kicks that yes frankly some I deserve but others I don't.

Trust me when I say I will never call anyone out.  But I will make a point of standing up for myself especially when I feel I am being attacked when people think I won't find out.

Friendship after Love

It has been awhile since I have written and I want to talk about the after effects of a breakup, is it OK to try and be someones friend even after all the bad things have been said and done? or is it a waste of time due to hurt feelings... because emotions will always be there.  

I have had to ask myself this recently, and have come to the conclusion that most people are right, you cannot be friends especially if the relationship ended badly, it becomes a sick game of who is right and wrong, who can hurt the other one more,  who intentionally does things and who doesn't.  

I think sure you start out as friends and even become best friend and when you take that step into becoming a couple that friendship is instantly gone you don't focus on friendship you are now one and must do as you think your partner wants you to, you actually always become a different person and don't think you don't everyone will tell you different if they are honest people, your activities change to always doing everything together, you loose your individuality as a person in a relationship vs a person who is just a friend to someone.  It is sad really.. most people are awesome together as friends support each other and everything... even if they hate each other one day chances are a sorry or what not can fix it depending on the circumstances, but in a relationship most of the time a sorry and explanations mean nothing.  If a person is hurt they are hurt and usually things don't turn out well.  

SO think about this next time you think your falling for you friend,  is it worth what you could loose, sure be a risk taker but don't be surprised in the end that if something happens most likely you will never have your friendship back. 

S