It took many years and a lot of self exploration to begin to even scratch the surface of myself, starting with the physical, growing up people have a tendency to let you know just how either good looking you are or how ugly they think you are, it hasn't been till my mid to late 20's that people really took notice of my appearance in a positive way. My own fault I was never comfortable in my own body, always a distorted image of what I looked liked, I became the Tom boy baggy shirts, baseball caps and all that, never had a lot of friends that were girls and the ones I did have dressed like me. After I had my daughter at 26 and really started to look at my appearance I started to realized that I had aspects about myself that I absolutely loved, one being my eyes next my hair and from there I had Learned I that tattoos really helped me to accept my body for the wonderful canvas it is. I also did weight watchers and went to a gym which also helped with my self esteem. I am become aware of just how I may not be a model but I am beautiful to my daughter and others in my life, I'm unique with my scars and my red hair, my mommy tummy everything that isn't perfect, it is ok and people don't have to think I am stunning or whatever they have to just love me for me imperfections and all.
Mentally I have always been a scatter brain, trying to do to much at once, deal with life and all it's problems all at once, at 24 I had a mental and emotional breakdown wasn't pretty, and that is when I began to focus on my own personal issues. Or at least tried to but life had a funny way of making me force myself to slow Down. Mentally I think a lot of my illnesses that I experienced were due to mental exhaustion, as the years have gone on I have noticed when I'm exhausted mentally and emotionally I get sick, could this be connected as a way of my body telling me you need to stop and breathe. The more I have laughed and smiled about things I can't control the easier it has been to really keep mentally things under control, sure we are have bad days, instead of freaking out and doing something I may regret later, I have learned to just stop and go, in by doing this are things going to get better or worse. Forgiving myself mentally for not getting 50 tasks done in a day but just enjoying the moments that bring peace to the mind.
Emotionally is the big one for me in regards to finding out who I am, the last 3 years have been a realization of my past effecting my future, ie sexual abuse and pshyical abuse resulting in many dysfunctional relationships, not being able to fully trust or love someone without the feeling of totally trusting myself in that relationship, up until I had my daughter I never really dove in to why I am the way I am until I realized I don't want her to do the same things as me. Learning to live life past, present and future instead if just coping with it, why I just shut off emotionally when someone gets to close, why I never had a voice or defended myself against people who chose out of their own free will to hurt me . Why I sometimes find the need to hurt someone as bad as they hurt me. All these things I wanted to change, because deep inside I am not the things people made me feel nor am I the way I make people feel sometimes. I am a gentle person on the inside despite my outward actions and appearance, I am forgiving, kind.
We do things when we feel threatened or unsure, in my case it happens and I am only beginning to really understand the sacrifices I have made in my life being afraid, and emotionally held back, not only to myself but to others. Do I want this for myself not anymore and I certainly do not want it for my child or other people in my life, I really in the 2 years come a long way emotionally but everyday is still a battle, will I reach emotional bliss one day, hopefully am I rushing towards it nope as it is a journey of self worth, and self discovery.
You can't ever go back and change what has happens but you can learn to adapt to new ideas and concepts and apply thence now for the future.
No comments:
Post a Comment