Meaning of the arts to me.

Music and poetry and photography have always been a saving grace for me, a way to express emotion without havering  to actually say things to someone.  This way I can't fumble and stumble and stutter my way through things, but my actual feelings are coming out. It has been awhile since I wrote poetry mostly because for awhile I have been scared of what may come out could be happy, sad,hurtful.... I have had people take offence to what I write,  I don't do it it offend of hurt anyone it is a source of healing, happiness, and venting for me.  Instead I do this blog, it may not be the fanciest blog or about the latest gossip or clothing, but it's mine and these words are my thoughts.  

     Photography really has taken centre stage, when it comes to expressing, there is so much you can do...everything from the colours which could represent a mood or feeling to birds flying in the sky to represent freedom not from someone but ones self, I always try to capture people's faces why because the face says a lot along with the environment it is around,  a lot of my photography recently has been lighter and softer because I am feeling a sense of accomplishment in the fact I'm fighting for my own right to be happy.  I love grunge and darkness as well because that to me is beautiful even when I am sad or feel like I am alone.

Music for a long time has really helped me understand my own emotions and feelings, you might think this is crazy and sounds silly but it really has,   Take my favourite song Iris by the goo goo dolls, I will give you a rundown on what it has said to me. 

And I'd give up forever to touch you

'Cause I know that you feel me somehow

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

And I don't wanna go home right now

( I feel that this is talking about a love that has passed either a relationship that has ended or someone has passed away, both of which have happened to me and the reason you don't want to go home is because you don't want to be alone)

And all I can taste is this moment

And all I can breathe is your life

When sooner or later it's over

I just don't wanna miss you tonight

( this is to me talks about a special moment that you will probably never experience again, whether it be a first kiss, or the last time you hold someone's hand) 

And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

( this says I don't fit in, I wish people could see past my flaws and really understand me for who I am as a person, what I feel and how I experience things)

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming

Or the moment of truth in your lies

When everything feels like the movies

Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

( this is that moment when you realize that you have been sad for such a long time, that you forget what it feels like to truly feels like to be happy, feel emotions. )

This song has really put what I feel down on paper and into a beautiful masterpiece of  love, sadness, frustration and misunderstanding, a lot of what I feel. I have been  blessed and thankful for the wonderful gifts we call the arts, without them I would be a lost person with no way of expressing my self in this crazy world like so many others.

Define Being Real

A lot of people, myself included say that we are being real.... But what does that mean? one persons definition of being real is usually different then another's.  So then is anyone ever truly being real? .  The dictionary says that real is this:

1.

a. Being or occurring in fact or actuality; having verifiable existence: real objects; a real illness.

b. True and actual; not imaginary, alleged, or ideal: real people, not ghosts; a film based on real life.

c. Of or founded on practical matters and concerns: a recent graduate experiencing the real world for the first time.

2. Genuine and authentic; not artificial or spurious: real mink; real humility.

3. Being no less than what is stated; worthy of the name: a real friend.

4. Free of pretense, falsehood, or affectation: tourists hoping for a real experience on the guided tour.

5. Not to be taken lightly; serious: in real trouble.

6. Philosophy Existing objectively in the world regardless of subjectivity or conventions of thought or language.

Now that being said,  when you read it I personally can say I know people who claim all this but act differently,  take true and actual not imaginary.... People claim they have done this, this and this but half the time they embellish the account of what happened,  or being "no less then stated", we all try to make ourselves sound better then what we are, society has made us believe it is not ok to be imperfect, despite all the things that say otherwise.  We don't want people to judge us on the "real" us but we never show the true selves from the start.

      Free of pretence, falsehood, or affectation,  now who can sit here and claim this one with a true honest yes, every choice we make whether it is choosing a mate, or what we say to people in a discussion has pretence, or falsehood,  again you want to look like the better person so I wouldn't start with "hi, I'm a loner, introverted and I dislike confrontation" when meeting someone for the first time.  Nope I would be much different why because we are told first impressions are everything .  So we make the conscious choice to falsify who we really are to impress people.

     I think everyone has a real ness about them as the dictionary states realness is this: 

Realness(noun)

the quality or condition of being real; reality

in actuality we all have the quality to be "real" but it is just a condition and in actual fact we the one who claim to be real are not we are just lying to ourselves.    We do have realness about us in which other people can see,  we will always be guarded about who we are to avoid the consequences of being imperfect.

Style:MLACHICAGOAPA

"realness." Definitions.net. STANDS4 LLC, 2013. Web. 4 Jul 2013. <http://www.definitions.net/definition/realness>.

Special friends forever.

Special friends are hard to come by in life, I'm talking the ones that make you feel like you are something important in the world.  I had a couple,  they have passed on but live in my heart always.

Let me share a little bit about them, first these people are special in the way most people wouldn't care to deal with, they were special needs adults.

Melanie...
  She was a firecracker, very opinionated and loud but a gentle soul on the inside.  When I first met Melanie at the center all she did was rip paper out of phone books, for several hours day. She was quiet unless provoked and seemed to not enjoy her days.
    When I got Melanie into my group I debated whether or not I could handle her or even if she would like me. Over 4 years me and Melanie became friends, yes friends she would tell me in her honest opinion in what she thought about what I was wearing, would hug me if I was sad, make jokes to make me laugh.  I got her to stop ripping phone books and into helping me with tasks that she was never expected to be able to do,  Melanie was born with water on the brain.... And sadly passed away due to complications with a surgery to clear a blocked shunt.  I remember at her her funeral her mother came up to me out of everyone and said "thank you for giving my daughter the chance to feel like she belonged and she was normal" in reality her daughter gave me the patience I have towards people who sometimes don't think before they speak, or to the person who is a bit slower in front of me,  Melanie always treated me with respect and compassion as I did her,  I think of her often and hope she knows she will always be a friend of mine, the sweet angel.

Mark.....
  He was the the person I was hired to work with one -on-one.  It was something I never had done I dove in head first,  mark was a charmer,  could pretty much get you to do anything with his eyes, they were big and brown, you could really look in them and see into his soul,  He couldn't move on his own or speak, but me and him clicked on a level most people could never understand, Like Melanie when i first met mark his former workers never did anything to make him feel like he belonged they stayed at the center all the time inside....imagine spending all your time indoors, when your going to a place that is supposed to provide you with what we all call "normal lives." Well I tell you that boy when he got out into the world, you knew it meant a lot to him, to just lay on the grass on a summers day not in his wheelchair, or to do hand or hand painting... the smile on his face told me this is what he wanted in his life.  Mark became like a best friend even though he could never verbally tell me anything I knew just by the looks on his face whether it was concern, happiness or sadness,  how his face would light up when i would come visit him in the hospital and spend hours just chilling changing the tv channel for him, you know your are special to someone when you are the only one that can get them to come out of an anxiety attack.  I knew Mark wouldn't live forever, and when he passed I just knew, no one had to tell me.  He left me with a great joy of knowing him, giving me the courage to understand him and not judge those different from me because we are all struggling with our own problems, accepting everyone for who they were.  That no matter how bad life seems, there is always someone there to listen.  I miss him terribly but I know he is watching from above there is no way someone that good could stay on earth forever.

Melanie and Mark, thank you so much for being brought into my life, the gifts you gave me will stay with me forever and will be passed on to my little one, These friends with all their difficulties accepted me into their lives a life where people come and go when things get to tough and they are not taken seriously because of their disabilities.  I took them seriously why because they are people just like me with feelings, and emotions just as complicated as the rest of us, I am so glad I did.

Self

Today I woke up with a sense of who I am psychically, mentally and emotionally.  This doesn't mean I know who I am fully, but that I am now becoming aware of it.

It took many years and a lot of self exploration to begin to even scratch the surface of myself,  starting with the physical, growing up people have a tendency to let you know just how either good looking you are or how ugly they think you are,  it hasn't been till my mid to late 20's that people really took notice of my appearance in a positive way.  My own fault I was never comfortable in my own body, always a distorted image of what I looked liked, I became the Tom boy baggy shirts, baseball caps and all that,  never had a lot of friends that were girls and the ones I did have dressed like me.  After I had my daughter at 26 and really started to look at my appearance I started to realized that I had aspects about myself that I absolutely loved,  one being my eyes next my hair and from there I had Learned I that tattoos really helped me to accept my body for the wonderful canvas it is.  I also did weight watchers and went to a gym which also helped with my self esteem. I am become aware of just how I may not be a model but I am beautiful to my daughter and others in my life, I'm unique with my scars and my red hair, my mommy tummy everything that isn't perfect, it is ok  and people don't have to think I am stunning or whatever they have to just love me for me imperfections and all.

Mentally I have always been a scatter brain, trying to do to much at once, deal with life and all it's problems all at once,  at 24 I had a mental and emotional breakdown wasn't pretty, and that is when I began to focus on my own personal issues.  Or at least tried to but life had a funny way of  making me force myself to slow Down.  Mentally I think a lot of my illnesses that I experienced were due to mental exhaustion,  as the years have gone on I have noticed when I'm exhausted mentally and emotionally I get sick, could this be connected  as a way of my body telling me you need to stop and breathe. The more I have laughed and smiled about things I can't control the easier it has been to really keep mentally things under control, sure we are have bad days,  instead of freaking out and doing something I may regret later, I have learned to just stop and go, in by doing this are things going to get better or worse.  Forgiving myself mentally for not getting 50 tasks done in a day but just enjoying the moments that bring peace to the mind.

Emotionally is the big one for me in regards to finding out who I am,  the last 3 years have been a realization of my past effecting my future,  ie sexual abuse and pshyical abuse resulting in many dysfunctional relationships,  not being able to fully trust or love someone without the feeling of totally trusting myself in that relationship, up until I had my daughter I never really dove in to why I am the way I am until I realized I don't want her to do the same things as me.  Learning to live life past, present and future instead if just coping with it, why I just shut off emotionally when someone gets to close,  why I never had a voice or defended myself against people who chose out of their own free will to hurt me .  Why I sometimes find the need to hurt someone as bad as they hurt me.  All these things I wanted to change, because deep inside I am not the things people made me feel nor am I the way I make people feel sometimes.  I am a gentle person on the inside despite my outward actions and appearance,  I am forgiving, kind.
  We do things when we feel threatened or unsure, in my case it happens and I am only beginning to really understand the sacrifices I have made in my life being afraid, and emotionally held back,  not only to myself but to others.  Do I want this for myself not anymore and I certainly do not want it for my child or other people in my life,  I really in the 2 years come a long way emotionally but everyday is still a battle, will I reach emotional bliss one day,  hopefully am I rushing towards it nope as it is a journey of self worth, and self discovery.

    You can't ever go back and change what has happens but you can learn to adapt to new ideas and concepts and apply thence now for the future.

Are you ever too old to achieve a dream career

So, I am sitting here in class,  don't worry I am all finished my work. :),  and it occurred  to me that in   3 months I will be 30 and I am only now really focusing on dreams in my life.  "Is 30 to old to be trying to get a career ?"  I don't believe so,  I think some of us just do everything backwards from the norm.  

    Growing up you learn, school then career then family and like most people that is not how it goes unless you have planned your life that way and if you have bravo on archiving that for yourself.  "Is it a lot tougher to achieve a dream like this when if your like me have been out of school for 12 years ?. "

       Most defiantly it is you have bills, partners, possibly children, and a job that's keeping you afloat.   You rack in your head if this is the best choice and could you actually see yourself slowing down in life pace and actually accomplishing this dream you probably have had since you were in your teens. It is possible with the right support and understanding of yourself and if you truly believe you can give yourself the chance at your dream career I say go for it no matter you age,  as I look around today I see young and old all trying to just make a better life for themselves,  why because they decided they were worth it.
     My suggestion this STOP and think while you are working today..... Can I see myself doing this job for the next 5 years,  heck even the next year.... If not chances are either a) your not happy with your employer or b) you just hate your job in general.  That's what happened to me a light bulb went off and it was like nope I can't do this anymore nor do I want to, the wheels were set in motion and here I am today a proud college student giving myself a chance .

Give yourself a chance no matter your age to achieve a dream.

Wondering.

You know today I sit here and wonder.... When does it all stop in life... The fighting to be who you are, the right to just be allowed to make a mistake without having to pay for it your whole life,  even if you stood up and said yes I was wrong, you continue to pay for someone else's feelings, thoughts and ideas about you.
       When do we say I'm sorry, but now you are the one who is in the wrong, the one who is causing the problem now.  I for the most part keep my private problems quiet and to only talk to those who have proven they can be trusted.  Others take and put all they private matters out there casting blame and hatred about those who have betrayed them, or snarky comments.  Do people do that thinking it will make things better for them? It doesn't sure you get your anger or displeasure out, but what your actually doing is causing anger and displeasure in someone else , thus projecting the problem even further then it needs to be.  I can sit here and call out people and the things they have said about their supposed best friends or their family but I won't why because I have a heart, and moral compass to know that is wrong,  nor would I put my problems emotionally that I have and I'm not just talking about stuff that has been shown to me and caused hurt.  Why because really I wanna be sunshine in someone's day,  make someone feel better when they are down.  Not be angry because life has thrown me punches and kicks that yes frankly some I deserve but others I don't.

Trust me when I say I will never call anyone out.  But I will make a point of standing up for myself especially when I feel I am being attacked when people think I won't find out.

Friendship after Love

It has been awhile since I have written and I want to talk about the after effects of a breakup, is it OK to try and be someones friend even after all the bad things have been said and done? or is it a waste of time due to hurt feelings... because emotions will always be there.  

I have had to ask myself this recently, and have come to the conclusion that most people are right, you cannot be friends especially if the relationship ended badly, it becomes a sick game of who is right and wrong, who can hurt the other one more,  who intentionally does things and who doesn't.  

I think sure you start out as friends and even become best friend and when you take that step into becoming a couple that friendship is instantly gone you don't focus on friendship you are now one and must do as you think your partner wants you to, you actually always become a different person and don't think you don't everyone will tell you different if they are honest people, your activities change to always doing everything together, you loose your individuality as a person in a relationship vs a person who is just a friend to someone.  It is sad really.. most people are awesome together as friends support each other and everything... even if they hate each other one day chances are a sorry or what not can fix it depending on the circumstances, but in a relationship most of the time a sorry and explanations mean nothing.  If a person is hurt they are hurt and usually things don't turn out well.  

SO think about this next time you think your falling for you friend,  is it worth what you could loose, sure be a risk taker but don't be surprised in the end that if something happens most likely you will never have your friendship back. 

S