What it is like being a single parent to me.

Me and a friend were talking, about being parents... single ones and just how hard it is,  Not because we are complaining because we love our children.

    When I got pregnant with my daughter I did not think that in 5 years I would be a single mother,  I was in the joys of having a baby with someone I loved.  I spent years taking care of my home, cooking meals and playing homemaker.  When me and the father separated,  life completely changed.

   It was a huge adjustment being the main caretaker.... of this tiny person, who is dependent on me being there to provide love and support, when i was barely holding myself together.  I was working full time... and barely getting by.

    My depression makes me want to hide away from everything at times including her, which I cant because being a single parent doesn't let you, and I think about how that would affect her later on in life.  How many times I have and to hold back tears because i am beyond stressed out and I cant let it out, because to her I am strong.  There has been talks about being put on medication to make things easier,  for those who choose to take them that is their choice,  I chose not to because I want to be present in my own life for my child and not be reliant on a drug to find comfort.

  The hardest times is when she is sick,  most of the time it is long nights and missed days of work, the constant worry you could be fired over something you cant control or how you are going to pay your bills,  or how much medication is going to cost and do you have it and is it really going to help them feel better because that is what you want for them.  Then when you catch what they have and you are exhausted and still get up every day to go to work because you know that rent is coming up and you cant afford to have it be late again.

  As most parents I want what is best for my child, and to be able to buy her toys and clothes and trips to the zoo, a lot of times I give up being able to buy myself something so that she can have good memories of fun things we did.  I make sure she has good healthy meals, while I'm skipping meals so I could buy those healthy foods because the food I do have has to last till the next pay cheque or possibly beyond. I do buy myself stuff even if it just a coffee, so that single mother you see out might have been saving not all single mothers are on government assistance as people would assume.

  Is it lonely being a single parent, some days very much so,  you would love to be able to have someone hug you and tell you what a wonderful person you are, when you have a bad day at work and your house is a mess and the kid is crying and throwing a tantrum and wont go to bed because of 1000 reasons.  You just want to have a conversation that doesn't involve "why?" every 30 seconds,  yes we have friends we could turn to but it is not the same as when you have another half.

  Not everything is bad being a single parent you get to have moments with your child of complete trust and understanding.  My daughter knows when mom is tired and she will run her hand across my cheek and tell me " I think you should go to sleep mommy"  or the secrets she shares with me,  The pretend pancakes she makes me because I might be hungry.  Those are the moments I cherish.  So the hard days are worth it.

Liquid courage

don't speak, no one is listening to the crying of your mind...
no one want to hug your dark soul...

so pour another helping hand .... the liquor friend that calms the storm within...
swallowing them down ... just to order another round.

dance to the reminisce of the freedom that remains.. closing your tied, tear stained eyes..
taking a sip you feel the friend take control..

You forget what it is like to be left behind........as you sway the problems just fade away ..
you get the liquid courage to be who you are..
they say the truth is spoken when you trust our mind to the liquid god..

How many could be saved if someone took a moment to listen and not play it off as someone who is drunk.

Secret Angel

Ripping apart the inside...
trying to find what it is you want ...

How come I am not good enough...
what is wrong with me ...
I listen to the words you weep
when your tripping over your own feet..

The one who holds your head on my chest
when you need to listen to heartbeat so you can know what it feels like..
to feel someone loves you..

The one who has been there even after everything..
the one that continues to be there.. even through the pain..

I wish there was a switch I could just turn off and shut the door to the feeling of you..
your perfect for me, I feel it in my soul...
I must keep that to me...
never holding on for more

Maybe I'm just the secret angel you needed in times of need...
maybe that's all I will ever be.
The one that makes you smile, while she makes you bleed
the one to hold your hand and help you breathe..

Why cant you see, there is more to me...
my heart is but small but bigger then the sun
I could be the one...

to make you feel life, the happiness that you seek
has been here, here the whole time.

You dont know

I wish you loved me
I have hoped that you could see past the hard things
and given me a chance.

You would have seen in my eyes just how much I have wanted you
to be my constant in my life.

You dont though, and so I have to sit and keep it inside.
Hoping one day you will just see me and what I should have been.

I know that Im worth all the trouble the happiness and the tears.
I have been waiting here for years.

Watching you come and go ...

I wish I was worth it to you
cause deep down I love you.

Wondering

You get so far, only to fall back 

wondering why you said goodbye..

you thought for sure this time, this time it was love.

You picked your cards and played the hand. 

You lost, turning around and walking away.

and now your wondering

was it all worth it, chancing it on someone new 

to have it all fall apart in front of you. 

Now your wondering...

is it me they think about late at night when they are all alone 

or reminisce of things that we once did.

do they think about calling..wondering about how you have been..

Its the chance you take when you walk away, you are left wondering..

Hello

Hello?  Are you there, it's me ...
You know ... Don't pretend you don't....
Try a bit harder to remember....
Really? ..... I see well let me remind you

Well we were always close all our lives, did everything together
Had the same friends, liked the same music.... I even lived with you.
But you changed ... Started to ignore me,  really we just fell apart..
I hated that so much... Watching you from a distance starving yourself because you thought you were to big to be loved, or partying trying to connect with people who you thought we're great influences and could make you feel better,  I saw what happened to you as a innocent child ...I felt your pain.

The lonely nights you spent drinking by yourself in hopes to forget the crazy thoughts running through your mind, when you finally pass out it was such a relief cause you were safe for one more night.

Yep, I saw all that....
Your probably wondering why I wasn't there for you...
I can explain,  I didn't know you anymore, you had become this empty shell of what you once were, the hallow ness in your eyes showed a deep void... Like everything was gone that made your soul spark.

It was hard for me to see you that way but you had to hit rock bottom on your own, so you could truly understand yourself.

Watching you hit rock bottom...... Just about killed me.... I saw the note of good bye you wrote, tears had dropped on the paper causing the words to run.... I also saw the pill bottles....it was such a shame that you felt so low that you just wanted to go to sleep and die...

I saw you at the hospital.... Waiting ... And waiting.... For a loving hand to care for you... It came from someone unexpected ... Your own mother...  Forcing you to eat cause you hadn't eaten in days..  Holding you while you cried in her lap....yeah ...

So hard to see you suffer ... But I had to do it.

I'm sorry but I'm here now, stronger and ready to hold your hand through anything .... For I am you, that part you lost I have been inside you all this time. Waiting for you to realize that I'm here, to help you, like the wizard of oz, I give you a brain to think with, a heart to love with and the courage to face the challenges of your life.

Hello are you still there?

Yes.

Red Head

Red headed, firecracker with a sparkle in her eye
Life is a ride, grab on and hold on tight.
Smiling she closes her eyes, gripping tighter through the curves and all the ups and downs.
Peeking just enough not to miss a moment.

Screaming as she free falls.....
Taking a deep breath, she laughs at the all fear she felt.
the love she has felt.  the sensitivity from people...

Sighing....she looks back seeing where she has been...
looking at her hands she lets go.

Letting go of  being who she is not.. because she believed she could never do it. Holding on to the feelings people and life had made her Leary and confused about how it could be.  So she held on to what she knew
the shy, introvert... worried about how to please people..

She is unique and weird, a bit of a tom boy... who loves video games...
Singing at the top her lungs in her car to her favorite songs.
Dancing till her feet hurt and still going strong till the last song is played.

The one who would give her last dollar to someone on the street...
The poet, the artist... the sister and mother, lover and the best friend.

She loves to breathe the fresh air, and find the old abandoned homes...
crawl among st the forest, dip her toes in a cold lakes water.

Read headed firecracker, be who you are... the world has been waiting for you.

Oh sweet love

Oh sweet love... such a burden you are, you heard me a burden like a itch I cannot scratch
Why must you rear your head and grab my attention when I don't want it.

That's right I know what love is I don't need a bitter reminder
you know the couples kissing... the holding of hands the smiles and laughs.... what a funny joke you must think your playing.

Let me tell you something love you can take your joke and shove it right up cupids ass, why you ask because love is not just the good stuff its all the bad stuff, the arguments, the silence after a fight,   the throwing of things but for some reason people only think love is kissing and projecting to the world over social media that your in love, please you think a million people over the internet care that your in love .... honestly half wish they were you and the other half could give less of a damn.. that's the honest truth.

Am I bitter about love.. nope I am a realest about it .... the breakfasts in bed the roses on special occasions rarely happen unless your one of the lucky one to snag a Disney character like man. the love you see in movies you wish you had,that is but a scripted idea about what love should be a mere insight to how someone wishes they could be..... projected on screen with two people who really are not in love... explain to me how that is taken on  how people should think love is.

I have been in love,  hard to believe i know... I experienced the fast heart beat the sweaty palms, the rush of emotion. felt like I had just run an emotional marathon, for what  to feel self concise about how i looked in bed... was i to fat... do i smell ... am i doing this right?... will this person still love me in the morning..  the insecurity if i was the "one" ....  since that is what you hear "you are the one for me"  what exactly does that mean... the one to what cook your breakfast? do your laundry? save your soul..

listen i cant even save myself let alone you, i mean look at me all insecure in how i look when it shouldn't matter cause you are here with me, oh but it does cause love is mostly on how someone looks and not about what the person has to offer on the inside.....but only in what they can offer you....

A therapist mostly.... from all the broken hearts and anger one has on the inside from love...hoping you can fix whats broken... a person cant fix that for you. we are like babies when it comes to love suckling a the tit for nurturing... hoping someone loves us like our mothers do accept us fully as we are....

Love... love ...love tis a cruel joke you play, but this person right here will no longer fall for it no.... not this one.

Meaning of the arts to me.

Music and poetry and photography have always been a saving grace for me, a way to express emotion without havering  to actually say things to someone.  This way I can't fumble and stumble and stutter my way through things, but my actual feelings are coming out. It has been awhile since I wrote poetry mostly because for awhile I have been scared of what may come out could be happy, sad,hurtful.... I have had people take offence to what I write,  I don't do it it offend of hurt anyone it is a source of healing, happiness, and venting for me.  Instead I do this blog, it may not be the fanciest blog or about the latest gossip or clothing, but it's mine and these words are my thoughts.  

     Photography really has taken centre stage, when it comes to expressing, there is so much you can do...everything from the colours which could represent a mood or feeling to birds flying in the sky to represent freedom not from someone but ones self, I always try to capture people's faces why because the face says a lot along with the environment it is around,  a lot of my photography recently has been lighter and softer because I am feeling a sense of accomplishment in the fact I'm fighting for my own right to be happy.  I love grunge and darkness as well because that to me is beautiful even when I am sad or feel like I am alone.

Music for a long time has really helped me understand my own emotions and feelings, you might think this is crazy and sounds silly but it really has,   Take my favourite song Iris by the goo goo dolls, I will give you a rundown on what it has said to me. 

And I'd give up forever to touch you

'Cause I know that you feel me somehow

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

And I don't wanna go home right now

( I feel that this is talking about a love that has passed either a relationship that has ended or someone has passed away, both of which have happened to me and the reason you don't want to go home is because you don't want to be alone)

And all I can taste is this moment

And all I can breathe is your life

When sooner or later it's over

I just don't wanna miss you tonight

( this is to me talks about a special moment that you will probably never experience again, whether it be a first kiss, or the last time you hold someone's hand) 

And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

( this says I don't fit in, I wish people could see past my flaws and really understand me for who I am as a person, what I feel and how I experience things)

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming

Or the moment of truth in your lies

When everything feels like the movies

Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

( this is that moment when you realize that you have been sad for such a long time, that you forget what it feels like to truly feels like to be happy, feel emotions. )

This song has really put what I feel down on paper and into a beautiful masterpiece of  love, sadness, frustration and misunderstanding, a lot of what I feel. I have been  blessed and thankful for the wonderful gifts we call the arts, without them I would be a lost person with no way of expressing my self in this crazy world like so many others.

Define Being Real

A lot of people, myself included say that we are being real.... But what does that mean? one persons definition of being real is usually different then another's.  So then is anyone ever truly being real? .  The dictionary says that real is this:

1.

a. Being or occurring in fact or actuality; having verifiable existence: real objects; a real illness.

b. True and actual; not imaginary, alleged, or ideal: real people, not ghosts; a film based on real life.

c. Of or founded on practical matters and concerns: a recent graduate experiencing the real world for the first time.

2. Genuine and authentic; not artificial or spurious: real mink; real humility.

3. Being no less than what is stated; worthy of the name: a real friend.

4. Free of pretense, falsehood, or affectation: tourists hoping for a real experience on the guided tour.

5. Not to be taken lightly; serious: in real trouble.

6. Philosophy Existing objectively in the world regardless of subjectivity or conventions of thought or language.

Now that being said,  when you read it I personally can say I know people who claim all this but act differently,  take true and actual not imaginary.... People claim they have done this, this and this but half the time they embellish the account of what happened,  or being "no less then stated", we all try to make ourselves sound better then what we are, society has made us believe it is not ok to be imperfect, despite all the things that say otherwise.  We don't want people to judge us on the "real" us but we never show the true selves from the start.

      Free of pretence, falsehood, or affectation,  now who can sit here and claim this one with a true honest yes, every choice we make whether it is choosing a mate, or what we say to people in a discussion has pretence, or falsehood,  again you want to look like the better person so I wouldn't start with "hi, I'm a loner, introverted and I dislike confrontation" when meeting someone for the first time.  Nope I would be much different why because we are told first impressions are everything .  So we make the conscious choice to falsify who we really are to impress people.

     I think everyone has a real ness about them as the dictionary states realness is this: 

Realness(noun)

the quality or condition of being real; reality

in actuality we all have the quality to be "real" but it is just a condition and in actual fact we the one who claim to be real are not we are just lying to ourselves.    We do have realness about us in which other people can see,  we will always be guarded about who we are to avoid the consequences of being imperfect.

Style:MLACHICAGOAPA

"realness." Definitions.net. STANDS4 LLC, 2013. Web. 4 Jul 2013. <http://www.definitions.net/definition/realness>.

Special friends forever.

Special friends are hard to come by in life, I'm talking the ones that make you feel like you are something important in the world.  I had a couple,  they have passed on but live in my heart always.

Let me share a little bit about them, first these people are special in the way most people wouldn't care to deal with, they were special needs adults.

Melanie...
  She was a firecracker, very opinionated and loud but a gentle soul on the inside.  When I first met Melanie at the center all she did was rip paper out of phone books, for several hours day. She was quiet unless provoked and seemed to not enjoy her days.
    When I got Melanie into my group I debated whether or not I could handle her or even if she would like me. Over 4 years me and Melanie became friends, yes friends she would tell me in her honest opinion in what she thought about what I was wearing, would hug me if I was sad, make jokes to make me laugh.  I got her to stop ripping phone books and into helping me with tasks that she was never expected to be able to do,  Melanie was born with water on the brain.... And sadly passed away due to complications with a surgery to clear a blocked shunt.  I remember at her her funeral her mother came up to me out of everyone and said "thank you for giving my daughter the chance to feel like she belonged and she was normal" in reality her daughter gave me the patience I have towards people who sometimes don't think before they speak, or to the person who is a bit slower in front of me,  Melanie always treated me with respect and compassion as I did her,  I think of her often and hope she knows she will always be a friend of mine, the sweet angel.

Mark.....
  He was the the person I was hired to work with one -on-one.  It was something I never had done I dove in head first,  mark was a charmer,  could pretty much get you to do anything with his eyes, they were big and brown, you could really look in them and see into his soul,  He couldn't move on his own or speak, but me and him clicked on a level most people could never understand, Like Melanie when i first met mark his former workers never did anything to make him feel like he belonged they stayed at the center all the time inside....imagine spending all your time indoors, when your going to a place that is supposed to provide you with what we all call "normal lives." Well I tell you that boy when he got out into the world, you knew it meant a lot to him, to just lay on the grass on a summers day not in his wheelchair, or to do hand or hand painting... the smile on his face told me this is what he wanted in his life.  Mark became like a best friend even though he could never verbally tell me anything I knew just by the looks on his face whether it was concern, happiness or sadness,  how his face would light up when i would come visit him in the hospital and spend hours just chilling changing the tv channel for him, you know your are special to someone when you are the only one that can get them to come out of an anxiety attack.  I knew Mark wouldn't live forever, and when he passed I just knew, no one had to tell me.  He left me with a great joy of knowing him, giving me the courage to understand him and not judge those different from me because we are all struggling with our own problems, accepting everyone for who they were.  That no matter how bad life seems, there is always someone there to listen.  I miss him terribly but I know he is watching from above there is no way someone that good could stay on earth forever.

Melanie and Mark, thank you so much for being brought into my life, the gifts you gave me will stay with me forever and will be passed on to my little one, These friends with all their difficulties accepted me into their lives a life where people come and go when things get to tough and they are not taken seriously because of their disabilities.  I took them seriously why because they are people just like me with feelings, and emotions just as complicated as the rest of us, I am so glad I did.

Self

Today I woke up with a sense of who I am psychically, mentally and emotionally.  This doesn't mean I know who I am fully, but that I am now becoming aware of it.

It took many years and a lot of self exploration to begin to even scratch the surface of myself,  starting with the physical, growing up people have a tendency to let you know just how either good looking you are or how ugly they think you are,  it hasn't been till my mid to late 20's that people really took notice of my appearance in a positive way.  My own fault I was never comfortable in my own body, always a distorted image of what I looked liked, I became the Tom boy baggy shirts, baseball caps and all that,  never had a lot of friends that were girls and the ones I did have dressed like me.  After I had my daughter at 26 and really started to look at my appearance I started to realized that I had aspects about myself that I absolutely loved,  one being my eyes next my hair and from there I had Learned I that tattoos really helped me to accept my body for the wonderful canvas it is.  I also did weight watchers and went to a gym which also helped with my self esteem. I am become aware of just how I may not be a model but I am beautiful to my daughter and others in my life, I'm unique with my scars and my red hair, my mommy tummy everything that isn't perfect, it is ok  and people don't have to think I am stunning or whatever they have to just love me for me imperfections and all.

Mentally I have always been a scatter brain, trying to do to much at once, deal with life and all it's problems all at once,  at 24 I had a mental and emotional breakdown wasn't pretty, and that is when I began to focus on my own personal issues.  Or at least tried to but life had a funny way of  making me force myself to slow Down.  Mentally I think a lot of my illnesses that I experienced were due to mental exhaustion,  as the years have gone on I have noticed when I'm exhausted mentally and emotionally I get sick, could this be connected  as a way of my body telling me you need to stop and breathe. The more I have laughed and smiled about things I can't control the easier it has been to really keep mentally things under control, sure we are have bad days,  instead of freaking out and doing something I may regret later, I have learned to just stop and go, in by doing this are things going to get better or worse.  Forgiving myself mentally for not getting 50 tasks done in a day but just enjoying the moments that bring peace to the mind.

Emotionally is the big one for me in regards to finding out who I am,  the last 3 years have been a realization of my past effecting my future,  ie sexual abuse and pshyical abuse resulting in many dysfunctional relationships,  not being able to fully trust or love someone without the feeling of totally trusting myself in that relationship, up until I had my daughter I never really dove in to why I am the way I am until I realized I don't want her to do the same things as me.  Learning to live life past, present and future instead if just coping with it, why I just shut off emotionally when someone gets to close,  why I never had a voice or defended myself against people who chose out of their own free will to hurt me .  Why I sometimes find the need to hurt someone as bad as they hurt me.  All these things I wanted to change, because deep inside I am not the things people made me feel nor am I the way I make people feel sometimes.  I am a gentle person on the inside despite my outward actions and appearance,  I am forgiving, kind.
  We do things when we feel threatened or unsure, in my case it happens and I am only beginning to really understand the sacrifices I have made in my life being afraid, and emotionally held back,  not only to myself but to others.  Do I want this for myself not anymore and I certainly do not want it for my child or other people in my life,  I really in the 2 years come a long way emotionally but everyday is still a battle, will I reach emotional bliss one day,  hopefully am I rushing towards it nope as it is a journey of self worth, and self discovery.

    You can't ever go back and change what has happens but you can learn to adapt to new ideas and concepts and apply thence now for the future.

Are you ever too old to achieve a dream career

So, I am sitting here in class,  don't worry I am all finished my work. :),  and it occurred  to me that in   3 months I will be 30 and I am only now really focusing on dreams in my life.  "Is 30 to old to be trying to get a career ?"  I don't believe so,  I think some of us just do everything backwards from the norm.  

    Growing up you learn, school then career then family and like most people that is not how it goes unless you have planned your life that way and if you have bravo on archiving that for yourself.  "Is it a lot tougher to achieve a dream like this when if your like me have been out of school for 12 years ?. "

       Most defiantly it is you have bills, partners, possibly children, and a job that's keeping you afloat.   You rack in your head if this is the best choice and could you actually see yourself slowing down in life pace and actually accomplishing this dream you probably have had since you were in your teens. It is possible with the right support and understanding of yourself and if you truly believe you can give yourself the chance at your dream career I say go for it no matter you age,  as I look around today I see young and old all trying to just make a better life for themselves,  why because they decided they were worth it.
     My suggestion this STOP and think while you are working today..... Can I see myself doing this job for the next 5 years,  heck even the next year.... If not chances are either a) your not happy with your employer or b) you just hate your job in general.  That's what happened to me a light bulb went off and it was like nope I can't do this anymore nor do I want to, the wheels were set in motion and here I am today a proud college student giving myself a chance .

Give yourself a chance no matter your age to achieve a dream.

Wondering.

You know today I sit here and wonder.... When does it all stop in life... The fighting to be who you are, the right to just be allowed to make a mistake without having to pay for it your whole life,  even if you stood up and said yes I was wrong, you continue to pay for someone else's feelings, thoughts and ideas about you.
       When do we say I'm sorry, but now you are the one who is in the wrong, the one who is causing the problem now.  I for the most part keep my private problems quiet and to only talk to those who have proven they can be trusted.  Others take and put all they private matters out there casting blame and hatred about those who have betrayed them, or snarky comments.  Do people do that thinking it will make things better for them? It doesn't sure you get your anger or displeasure out, but what your actually doing is causing anger and displeasure in someone else , thus projecting the problem even further then it needs to be.  I can sit here and call out people and the things they have said about their supposed best friends or their family but I won't why because I have a heart, and moral compass to know that is wrong,  nor would I put my problems emotionally that I have and I'm not just talking about stuff that has been shown to me and caused hurt.  Why because really I wanna be sunshine in someone's day,  make someone feel better when they are down.  Not be angry because life has thrown me punches and kicks that yes frankly some I deserve but others I don't.

Trust me when I say I will never call anyone out.  But I will make a point of standing up for myself especially when I feel I am being attacked when people think I won't find out.

Friendship after Love

It has been awhile since I have written and I want to talk about the after effects of a breakup, is it OK to try and be someones friend even after all the bad things have been said and done? or is it a waste of time due to hurt feelings... because emotions will always be there.  

I have had to ask myself this recently, and have come to the conclusion that most people are right, you cannot be friends especially if the relationship ended badly, it becomes a sick game of who is right and wrong, who can hurt the other one more,  who intentionally does things and who doesn't.  

I think sure you start out as friends and even become best friend and when you take that step into becoming a couple that friendship is instantly gone you don't focus on friendship you are now one and must do as you think your partner wants you to, you actually always become a different person and don't think you don't everyone will tell you different if they are honest people, your activities change to always doing everything together, you loose your individuality as a person in a relationship vs a person who is just a friend to someone.  It is sad really.. most people are awesome together as friends support each other and everything... even if they hate each other one day chances are a sorry or what not can fix it depending on the circumstances, but in a relationship most of the time a sorry and explanations mean nothing.  If a person is hurt they are hurt and usually things don't turn out well.  

SO think about this next time you think your falling for you friend,  is it worth what you could loose, sure be a risk taker but don't be surprised in the end that if something happens most likely you will never have your friendship back. 

S

Blurring the line

Virtual worlds vs the real world..........
     We use them to escape the real life and whatever we may be running from,  but then they become more real then our real life,  feelings develop... feelings get hurt...People go on  these worlds looking for acceptance and respect, and let me tell you its no different in the virtual world then it is in the real world.  Sure your avatar can be the prettiest one or the most popular but you are still you, your feelings and emotions, thoughts are conveyed through this avatar. People are still fake and full of drama others are quiet and shy.  You got your nerds,jocks,music lovers, art lovers, parents, couples, marriage, people looking for love.

         When I began going on them I was trying to escape my loveless relationship,  All was great in the beginning until I met him.  Perfect...cause that's what i needed someone to love me more then physically, someone that I could connect on a deeper level with.  We met he was sweet and kind and fun, after that found out we didn't want the same things in life after that I told myself nope never again....went a long time before it happened again, this time it was a whirlwind of emotions and craziness not in a bad way, to some my life didn't change that fast but for me it did.... felt like i was on a ride i couldn't stop... left a relationship real life after I had already started one online which wasn't fair to either party, I know that now again I didn't feel loved and really wasn't looking for it this time online it just happened, and it got real to... It was a wake up call to me going.. "whoa what are you doing" you are acting like your mother jumping one relationship to the next cause you feel like you are not strong enough on your own, not being over someone but needing the feeling of someone wanting you.... to say the least it did not end well, and out came the claws and childish high school routine of people blaming and say thing things they know nothing about,  hmm sound familiar for a lot of people I am sure when they were in school.

   So really there is no difference in a virtual world you cant hide what you going through eventually someone is going to find out you are not perfect or you got skeletons in your closet... chances they wont accept them, again you think you will be accepted but you have to be realistic people are out to feed their own needs.  its why they are there, they feel stronger, beautiful, handsome, confident, vibrant, popular.  People will be quick to judge you and your decisions negatively because they don't have to see your true face heck they can just block or delete you and never think twice.  In the real world you cant run from your problems they will always catch up and escaping into a virtual world can do more harm to you then you can even realize, till its to late they have blended together.


S

Army of one

Cast your words, throw your stones...there will be no broken bones.

hold my wrists...tie me down.....let the reign of hate fall down..

You will not win this time, taking back whats mine.

Scribbling down all these thoughts...ripping at my mind like hungry dogs 

Stumble around in this thick fog, trying to find what things mean, hoping this is just a horrid dream.

Tripping, slipping.... but I will keep getting up dirty,scratched and bruised.  

I am stronger with every hurt, lovelier with every new scar, smarter with every war.

I am a warrior against my own darkness, fighting without a sword.... using what I can and know to give the final blow. These words are my army protecting whats left.  

S

Castle Of Glass - Linkin Park Lyrics

Take me down to the river bend, 
Take me down to the fighting end, 
Wash the poison from off my skin
Show me how to be whole again

Fly me up on a silver wing
Past the black where the sirens sing
Warm me up in a nova's glow
And drop me down to the dream below

(Chorus)
Cause I'm only a crack in this castle of glass
Hardly anything there for you to see. 
For you to see

Bring me home in a blinding dream 
Through the secrets that I have seen 
Wash the sorrow from off my skin 
And show me how to be whole again

(Chorus)
Cause I'm only a crack in this castle of glass
Hardly anything there for you to see. 
For you to see

(Bridge)
Cause I'm only a crack in this castle of glass
Hardly anything else I need to be 

(Chorus)
Cause I'm only a crack in this castle of glass
Hardly anything there for you to see. 
For you to see
For you to see

I Wish

I wish upon a million stars.........to never cause you pain..
to see the tears roll down you cheek, and say my name in vein.

let me hold your hand and be your friend, tell you its going to be ok, smile, talk.  Listen to you .... be that comfort and support you need. 

 Hug you when you need it, laugh , live ...love.

To show that there is a rainbow at the end of every storm, that the sun can shine in the cloudiest day.

I cant because I have pain....and that's not fair to you, being caught up in my pain only causes more.    

I wish I could just get over it ..smile and truly be happy , so I can be happy for you.

Please forgive me for the things I do, The way I am ........


S

Gift of life

You ever sit and wonder why you are given the things you are given in your life whether they are good or bad.  I ask myself that all the time.... why do i need to keep having to have a challenges and obstetrical in my life.
     After the past couple days I realized that there is a lot of good in my life, it starts with my flesh and blood who tells me she loves and misses me when i am gone.   Who loves me when I am happy and loves me when I am sad.   Her smile hugs and kisses make my soul smile,  She knows that mommy is sad and at 3 years old she gives me what she can, and doesn't expect nothing back it is a pure innocent emotion one that doesn't make you feel judged or ashamed of who you are.
       I look in her eyes and wonder how I got this perfect gift given to me,  was it to help to see I am worth it.     To help me understand that in someways I am still a child myself.  To know I can be loved unconditionally.  I wouldn't change her for the world, She is beautiful, loving, crazy and uncontrollable   I hope she always feels loved and sees that even with all the hate and craziness in the world, and the hard times she will experience that may seem to last forever she can make it through.  That being accepted is by everyone is not needed, as long as she accepts who she is and knows her feelings and emotions are valid, that being different is a blessing not a curse.
           This tiny little package of life given to me, was worth every sleepless night, the tears from exhaustion and frustration.  for the smiles and the laughs, She brought this wounded heard and soul to life,  I just hope I can give her what she has given me.